there once was a girl

who loved someone tons

and was taught when she was young

that love would be repaid with love

when the world was good and done.

and so she danced through life

giving love wherever she went

but found that other would keep

their love up pent.

she noticed but stayed naiive

and hoped that one day things would change

people would see her worth

and the strength of her love

and show that they felt the same.

And now she waits, alone

giving out her last bits of love.

the light in her gets dimmer

because no one repays her kindness

and soon it’s what she will be devoid of.

do you know what’s kind of sad? as i look at the list below, and when i imagine doing all this stuff, i don’t imagine doing it with anyone. i want to do all that alone. is that bad? i guess, i just don’t want anyone to come along because i’m afriad they won’t feel the same way i would, or they’d mess everything up. i know that’s a horrible thing to assume, but… it’s pretty true when i really think about it.

Things I Want To Do:

• Visit Notre Dame cathedral
• go to SXSW in Texas
• Wander around a city at night with just my thoughts
• Spend a whole day at a book store
• Sell a piece of original art
• Go to Disneyworld/land during the Halloween season and be able to dress up as Ariel/Kim Possible
• Meet Yoko Ono and talk to her about her art
• Go to Argentina during Christmas
• Move down south
• Go on a roadtrip
• Paint something that I don’t hate
• Spend the whole day at an art museum and look at every piece in it
• Have a penpal
• Read every book in the town library

i just realized that he’s my “ex” now.

i don’t know why that hurts so much, but it really does.

ugh, crap now im crying

i put my whole heart into this.
why couldn’t you do the same for me?

i keep defending you to everyone

“he’s a really good guy”.

are you? im starting to doubt you.

if you wre such a good guy

you wouldn’t have hurt me so many times now.

its not that you mean to,

you’re just…

dumb, i suppose.

yeah,

you’re actually really dumb.

i miss the summer version of you.

that’s the sweet guy i’m always defending,

not this stranger standing infront of me.

sometimes you remind me of the summer boy i was crazy about.

but only sometimes.

and in the down time, you have a habit of making me upset.

and i dont deserve that.

right?

it’s easier to eat ice cream than to think about how crappy your relationship is.

it’s easier to stare at your feet than think about all the horrible things you’ve said.

it’s easier to stop talking than to think about your regrets.

and it’s apparently way easier to hate on a girl you havent talked to in a year than to think about how unhappy you are.

i would know.

people have been making me talk about my future a lot. they want me to tell them what college i’ll be applying to and what i want to major in.

but, i have this big dream in my head, i have the full picture. but no one wants to hear about that,

it’s a cute picture, of me, down in Austin. The city is just big enough for me to explore when i’m free. An artistic city, with museums and music festivals. I’ll ride my bike everywhere, and i’ll be able to wear sundresses all year long, because it will never snow. I could work for the newspaper, or an ad agency, and my job will let me be creative all day. I’ll carry a sketchbook and notebook everywhere i go, because you never know what will inspire you. I’ll use all of my vacation days to see every corner of the world and meet every person i possibly can.

when i’m older, i’ll move into a nice quiet neighborhood. I’ll have a nice, small and quirky house with my husband. I’ll keep a perfect flower garden and clean house because i clean home is a clear mind. I’ll paint murals on the walls and we’ll have a white picket fence. I’ll read every book in the public library and learn about everything i could ever want to know about. We won’t have a television because we’ll be too busy taking our kids out somewhere exciting or going on scenic drives.

thats my dream. i know it’s dumb, but its what i want more than anything. and no one even knows. except for you, i suppose.

you know what? i was really proud of myself for being able to stay so happy for so long, and you just ruined it all. i used to feel like crap everyday of my life. i remember coming home from school and feeling a giant hole in my chest because all of your bullshit was just killing me. i changed schools because of YOU. YOU made me feel so depressed every day when i would be completely alone, when i got to watch you pick other people over me. but when i started this year, i found people who actually liked me. crazy thought, huh? i thought so to at the beginning. but as the year progressed, i realized that i wasn’t the one doing something wrong. YOU are the one who’s wrong here. YOU are the one who treats her friends like shit. i thought that not going to school together would make it easier for us to be friends since you could spend all day with that precious little queen bitch you call a friend, but i guess im still not good enough in your eyes since you like to play pretend and tell people that i try to steal your friends away and that i judge you and that i never have time for you blah blah blah. I dont know why you projected this malicious personality on me, but im actually not like that so nice try i guess. I honestly dont know if i even want to be your friend anymore because whenever we hang out i have to always watch myself to make sure that its you who’s sitting next to our other friend, and that you talk to her more than i do and stupid stuff like that. and after all the stuff ive done for you, you still refuse to trust me in anyway, and still think im a bad person. do you know what ive gone through for you?!

you made me sad again. i wont forgive you for that. i was going so well until you decided to go insane.

Some things I just don’t want to let out,

Green-eyed devils

Go wandering about.

And following them, no doubt

Angers presence is stout.

I’m sorry I ran out of jokes

And ran out of smoke

To cover your eyes.

I’m sorry I’m not who you think.

Give me a moment, I’ll be gone in a blink.

There are some things I don’t want in the air.

Once they’re out there,

They’ll hang there, cold and bare.

Talkin’ ‘bout how you “dont care”,

At least, not anymore.

That’s fair.

————————————————

Not all animals should be set free.

Not all things are made to see.

Not every cage has a key.

Perfect, not every life’s supposed to be.

That’s fine with me,

Is it fine with you?

well well well LOOK what we have here.

apparently i was a good enough friend the other day to deserve the honor of you texting me for the first time in about half a year or so.

wow gee, i would really just like to thank the academy, my family for helping me get here, and God of course! :D

:|

:|

:|

/sarcasm

lets see how long this whole “i like her again” phase lasts. lets see.